Mother

What does it mean to be a Mother? Many people may give you varying answers. Does it mean that one answer is correct and one is wrong? No, I don't think so. I have always loved my mother, but I never appreciated the job she did raising my brothers and I until I myself became a mother. I do though believe we all become mothers in different ways. I do not believe that giving birth makes you a mother. Biologically, yes it does. But there is so much more to being a mother than just giving birth.

When my oldest child was born, I was devestated. Not because of her, but because she was born 4 months too soon. Prior to my pregnancy with her, I had two miscarriages. Dealing with two miscarriages made me bitter. I was married and had been married for a few years and the one and only thing we wanted was to have a baby. Conceiving was difficult for us and with the help of fertility treatments, we were able to finally get pregnant. Tweleve weeks later at our appointment, we found out there was no heartbeat. We were pregnant again with the help of fertility treatments six months later and the same thing happened. I WAS MAD, FURIOUS, DISCOURAGED!!!!! All my friends were getting pregnant and having babies. Then there was me, I couldn't even conceive on my own then when I did with help, I would lose the baby. I felt like it was Gods way of telling me I wasn't capable of being a mother.
Seven months after our second miscarriage, we decided to give it one last try before we moved overseas. Low and behold, five days before I should have tested, I disected a pregnancy test and called my neighbor Lindsey over and had her help me inspect my pee stick. Yes, I tore that mo fo up and was holding it up to the light. I couldn't tell if there was actually a line or if it was my imagination. Poor Lindsey, she had just had two babies, 11 months apart, and she was scared for me and didn't want me to get my hopes up. BUT, YAY!!!! I was pregnant with Tobbie. My due date was the end of April. We were so estatic!!! At eighteen weeks, she turned in and got into position for delivery. Then at twenty weeks, my OB decided I needed an emergency rescue cerclage. It did it's job and kept her in till she was viable. I had no idea what route our lives were about to take. Our world was flipped upside down. On January 2, 2006, I gave birth to a gorgeous 1lb 9oz & 11" baby girl. Her eyes were fused shut and when I was finally able to see her, she was so sedated and had so much fluid built up on her brain. Part of me didn't want to see her because I didn't wan to lose her. That probably doesn't make sense, but the shear fear of losing your child that you have spent your life dreaming of was too hard for me to handle. She came home from the hospital one week before her due date. Today she is one fiesty 4 year old with NO developmental delays.
Three years later along came Tristan, aka T-Bone. He is, without a doubt, a momma's boy and a tough guy all rolled up in one little toe headed being! He has the best personality and demeanor I have ever seen. With that, he is also Pig Pen (from the cartoon Peanuts) twin. The boy is always messy and toting something around. This boy will forever keep me on my toes.
Last but not least, there is Miss Darcy. She isn't quite 3 months, but she has the most beautiful eyes and is oh so sweet. I love her to pieces. And, she is our only NON fertility treatment baby!

Often times when I am disciplining our children, I feel bad. I feel bad because I know they miss their dad and I feel bad for being the "mean" parent. I sometimes wonder if I am screwing them up for life, but I like to think every mother feels that way. I also like to splurge on my children. I think this stems from the upbringing I had.
My mother was single raising two children on a teachers salary. She could barely make ends meet, but she always made sure we were happy (minus the time she made me put soap in my mouth in the 3rd grade, stupid substitute teacher Mrs. Smith, yeah, I am grown now, so I can say it!) We always had a roof over our head, clothes on our back, food on the table (even those gross brussel sprouts she once tried to make us eat) and when it could be afforded, a nice treat at the store.

Thank you Mom for the experiences you gave us growing up. Thank you for all the good and for all the not so good. You have helped me become the mother I have become. We don't always agree and we may raise our children in different ways, but Thank You. If it weren't for you being the mother that you were, I couldn't be the mother I am to my children. I love you.